Ask Dr Plokta

Each issue, Doctor Plokta will solve your superfluous technological problems. Email them to If you don't have email, your technology is clearly insufficiently superfluous for Doctor Plokta to help.

Dear Dr Plokta, I'm engaged to a wonderful man; we're planning to be married soon. However, I have a problem I hope you can help me with. My beloved has two desktop computers and a laptop on a local area network, another two in the attic, a couple of handhelds, several scanners and one, well, um, three modems. He stays up all night playing Civilisation II and programming. How can I get him to spend more time in bed?


Doctor Plokta replies: Dear G, I recommend that you give serious thought to upgrading the computers to Pentiums and extending the LAN into the bedroom.

Dear Dr Plokta, I am distraught. My wife has left me. This would come as a blessed relief, except that she demands custody of the email address. I have heard the courts usually award custody to the wife. What should I do?


Doctor Plokta replies: Dear M, Have no fear. I understand your wife has been using another email address on the side. If you explain this to the court, citing f*ggl* as co-respondent, I am sure they will grant you full custody.


Dear Doctor Plokta, I am a 7 week old foetus. I already have my own email address. Is this normal? Also, I am worried about the effects of VDUs on pregnant women, not to mention strobe effects on pinball machines.


Doctor Plokta replies: Dear Pod, Panic ye not. Ask your mother to have a drink. You're never too young for superfluous technology. Some day you'll look back on this, and both your heads will laugh.

Dear Doctor Plokta, I have a manual typewriter, no email address and no access to the Internet. I see no need for such superfluous technology, as I have lots of friends and there are so many other interesting things to do.

Doctor Plokta replies: Dear Sue, Get a life.

[September 1997: Doctor Plokta adds a historical note. Sue Mason is now on her second computer, a laptop, and is planning an Internet connection any day now.]

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