Gentle Plokta readers... send LoCs.

If I could offer you only one tip for remaining on the mailing list, sending LoCs would be it. You will appreciate the long term effectiveness of sending LoCs when Plokta thuds onto your doormat, a delight spoiled only by the sight of Michael Abbott on the cover. The rest of my advice can only reflect the arbitrary diktats of Alison's editorial whim.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of superfluous technology.

Oh... never mind.

You will not understand the power and beauty of your technology until it is obsolete. But trust me, after 5 years of increasingly bloated software and systems that demand exponentially more power, you will think back in a way you can't grasp now to a computer that would boot up in less time than it took to cook a three course meal.

You are not as fat as the Plokta cabal.

Write one thing every day that scares someone else. Preferably Ian Sorensen.

Spell Plokta correctly.

Remember the Hugo nominations you gain. Forget the Novas you don't.
If you succeed in this tell us how.

Read the fanzine.

Keep your old copies of Plokta. Send all your other fanzines to Memory Hole.

Do not look at pictures of Chris Tregenza in drag. They will only make you feel beautiful.

Don't make jokes about Pat McMurray.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. Some of our most interesting readers didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. But for heavens' sake Gary, by the time you're 40 you really should have a clue.

Send articles.

Maybe we'll quote you, maybe we won't.
Maybe we'll WAHF you, maybe we won't.
Maybe we'll never publish you in Plokta.
Maybe we'll print a picture of you in a compromising position.

Send us pictures of you in compromising positions.

Whether you get published or not... don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. It all depends on how much space we need to fill, and whether Alison has lost your LoC again.

Send art.

Do not read Fosfax, it will only make your brain implode.

Shag. Even if you have nobody to do it with except Tobes.

Live in Leeds once, but leave before it gives you angst. Live in Croydon once, but leave before you start talking in Goat.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Banana Wings will win the Nova. Langford will win the Fanwriter Hugo. You too will forget what you did at the last Worldcon. And when you do, you will pretend that you did not get horribly drunk, you did not insult the Guest of Honour, and you voted for Plokta.

Vote for Plokta.

Be careful whose advice you accept. But be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of coercion disguised as rational discourse on the part of fanzine editors who are desperate for egoboo.

But trust me on sending LoCs.

--Steven Cain

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