Issue 17
Volume 5 Number 1
January 1900

In This Issue

 •  Contents
 •  Cover Illustration
 •  Editorial
 •  <plokta.con>
 •  Notes towards Maple Ambrosia: a colon-separated title
 •  The Night We Went To See The End of the World
 •  The Amazing Adventures of Dryer Lint Woman
 •  My Kind of Crazy
 •  Lokta Plokta
 •  Kipple Fairy

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[Plokta Online]


HAPPY New Year! Thanks to Dr Plokta's Patent anti-Bug spray, we can guarantee that this issue of Plokta is completely free of any Millennium Bugs whatsoever. However, it has suffered from the human components of the fanzine partying, well, like it's 2000 actually. The cabal is, however, riven by internal dissent on the matter of whether this is the real Millennium or not. We think the only solution is to have another big party next year.

One aspect of Plokta which we rarely talk about is our missionary work. We are committed to taking superfluous technology to the farthest reaches of the United Kingdom. On Boxing Day Steven and Alison took Vin¢ Clarke's computer (stripped down and rebuilt from Bernie Peek's spare parts) up to Terry Jeeves in Scarborough. Terry was delighted by the new machine, as his previous computer, used to produce several thousand issues of Erg, was entirely valve-driven and relied for its internal memory on a particularly well organised colony of naked mole-rats.

Photo: Alison with Terry Jeeves
Ooh, this is like Christmas

The week after New Year, we went down to Swansea to take a second PC (made of Bernie's remaining bits) to Jo Walton. She immediately dubbed it "Giant Ant". Sasha is sulking because it's got a better spec than his.

Photo: Jo Walton and Sasha
It was a bugger getting down the chimney

Photo: The evil animatronic budgie As a result of the various celebrations, we had the longest ever opportunity to finish the fanzine over the New Year break. However, between experiencing Tony Blair's Fanfare for the Common Voter, hosting a small lunchtime party that eventually broke up about midnight, eating enough chocolate to sink a battleship, putting Podzilla head to head against the firebreathing nun (with the yuppie Buddhist monk refereeing), having a gay time with the instant karaoke version of The Sound of Music (Mike very briefly sat between Sue and Alison, experienced live-action Surround Sound, and retired deaf), shooting the evil animatronic budgie with several dozen party poppers, demonstrating the Plokta editorial collective in action to Michael Abbott and Anne Wilson, scouring north London for an open supermarket on the second of January, tranquilising Marianne with dozens of Barney videos, and tranquilising Giulia with the Not Even A Little Bit Homoerotic Interview with the Vampire, we haven't really had time.

Photo: Nunzilla and Godzilla battle it out We have discovered that one of the hazards of moving house and writing about it in the fanzine, is that everyone who wrote to us this month told us their awful house moving stories. You can see most of these in the WAHF column. Sorry.

This seems to have turned out to be the Y2K Bungee Jumping Special Issue of Plokta. Great to have themes.

Since Christmas, Mike has lost his job (but rubs his hands with glee whenever he reads ads for web database gurus, and reaches for his labcoat and dark glasses) and Sue is working in her local post office. Meanwhile, Alison is thinking up great ideas for Internet startups (the Plokta equivalent of lottery fantasies), and Marianne is driving us all bananas. George has been keeping with the theme by trying budgie jumping, but the buggers are too fast for him.

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Plokta understands that many strange things have been going on while we were swigging champagne over New Year.

We hear, for instance, that the Iranians have been holding kidney donation drives for the purpose of raising funds to kill Salman Rushdie. One feels that a much more efficient use of the money would be to hire a few critics to point out the general dullness of Rushdie's books. Still, to each their own. We're looking forward to next year's Blue Peter Kidney Appeal. Please send your kidneys -- or other body parts -- to the Plokta address now. Kids -- remember to ask the person who pays the phone bill before you hack up your little brother. Odd holes can be patched with sticky-backed plastic. Just three kidneys will endow a lunatic acting alone armed with a hand grenade and five gall-bladders will provide sufficient bile for several major fatwas. Ten pancreases will ensure bomb scares throughout the Underground, and 4000 spleens will fill the Albert Hall Millennium Dome.

And a mere five livers will repair the cabal's Millennium damage.

Leather Goddesses of Academia (1)

Photo: F*r*h M*ndl*s*hn
Dr F*r*h M*ndl*s*hn

Next ish: looking for photos of Dr KL Maund in leather gear. Ta.