The Four Fluid Path

This article was pre-prepared for the Iron Faned panel, during which we asked the audience to choose a fan to insult. The winning fan was Andy Hooper, but we're sure Plokta readers would rather we slagged off Ian Sorensen.

SOME fans party all night and are still goal focussed and task oriented the next day. Ever wonder how they do that? Now at last we can reveal their secret, the esoteric Oriental art of Kor Fa Lu.

You too can maintain harmony and balance.

You too can follow this ancient wisdom.

You too can tell Ian Sorensen where to get off.

Follow the four-fluid path of Kor Fa Lu. Just apply the apposite correction fluid and exhibit correct behaviours in order to regain your karmic balance. The entire cycle is sometimes known as the Kor Fa Lu Learning Cycle.

Correction fluid 1 — Water

Water is the beginning of the cycle. Use water to correct drought. Particularly useful for parched tongues and fuzzy heads. Drink a pint for every hour you spend in the convention hotel, and for every pint of beer you had last night. Correct behaviour is not throwing up. Do not talk to Ian Sorensen. Your lucky phrase is 'Leave me alone'.

Correction fluid 2 — OJ

Orange juice is the second level of the cycle. Use OJ to correct shortages of vital health giving substances such as vitamins. Quite why you need to do this is unclear -- you should previously have drunk lots of beer which is chock full of vitamins. Correct behaviour is not being too cheerful to people who are still at the 'water' part of the cycle, unless they are Ian Sorensen. Your lucky phrase is 'Can I have more mushrooms with my black pudding, please?'

Correction fluid 3 — Coffee

Coffee is the third element of the cycle. Preferably latte. The right amount of coffee is bottomless. Use coffee to correct shortages of sleep. Correct behaviour is to be goal focussed and task orientated and produce a marvellous well-crafted article for Iron Faned, or Plokta for that matter. Do not write any material for Ian Sorensen. Your lucky phrase is 'Yes I'd love to do loads of work on your convention'.

Correction fluid 4 — Beer

Beer completes the cycle and allows you to attain enlightenment. The right amount of beer is More! Use beer to correct any tendencies you may have to be serious and constructive. Correct behaviour is to keep on drinking, and marvel at your increased sagacity as the night goes on. Wisdom will flow from your mouth like the crystal purity of the Yangtze. Give Ian Sorensen some beer. Now give him the glass. Truly advanced practitioners of the four-fluid path may be observed weaving their way along hotel corridors chanting the following mantra. "Kor Fa Loo, Kor Fa Loo. Kor Fa Loo Kor Fa Loo naa naa." Your lucky phrase is 'No chance of a shag then?'

Sadly, enlightenment in the four-fluid path is ever a transient state. As the proverbs tell us, even the master must be reborn. In fact, in the depths of the first stage, the master often wishes he had never been born. Fortunately, all things must pass, and, as blossom springs on the tree, the cycle inevitably begins again.

--Steven Cain

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