Plokta has uncovered disturbing new evidence regarding increased levels of alien infiltration into human society. It's already well known that the alien greys operate out of three secret bases in New Mexico, provided on long-term leases from the US Air Force, but we now believe that they are greatly exceeding their federally mandated quotas for midnight abductions. Our most recent survey indicates that 40% of the population of the US has been abducted and implanted with a device giving the greys complete control over their thoughts and actions. Indeed, in some influential and powerful groups such as journalists, politicians and fanzine editors, the rate is close to 100%.

This of course gives rise to a nagging doubt in most people's minds:

How can I tell if I have already been abducted and am now a mindless puppet of the sinister alien conspiracy?

In order to set your mind at rest, or at least give you a sounder basis for your paranoid delusions, we've compiled this simple test which you can administer in the privacy of your own home.

1. Does your dog:
   1. Fetch your slippers when you get home in the evening
   2. Whine and run away whenever it sees you coming
   3. Bark uncontrollably when it sees you, until it mysteriously explodes
   4. Enjoy floating around in zero gravity listening to the screams of your helpless victims

2. Imagine a long, vicious-looking probe with several hooks and barbs on the business end. Your reaction is:
   1. To wonder how many trout you could catch with one of those
   2. It sounds perfect for sticking up a cow's bottom
   3. To clench your buttocks uncontrollably
   4. It sounds perfect for sticking up someone's bottom

3. Wrap three yards of heavy-duty turkey foil round your head. Do you:
   1. Feel ridiculous
   2. Feel sexy
   3. Collapse unconscious
   4. Enjoy the piquant flavour of the aluminium oxide as your tongues' enzymes digest it

4. Your skin is:
   1. A bit too spotty
   2. Covered in mysterious lesions
   3. Loose and wrinkled like a suit of clothes that's too large for you
   4. Delightfully moist, grey and clammy

5. In the middle of the night, you often find yourself:
   1. Asleep in bed
   2. Digging in a cemetery
   3. Skulking round the offices of a top secret Government project
   4. Waiting for cars on a deserted country road

6. What is your favourite computer game?
   1. Pacman
   2. Leather Goddesses of Phobos
   3. Pokémon
   4. Space Invaders

Your score:

Mostly As -- You are a perfectly normal human being. What are you doing reading Plokta?
Mostly Bs -- You don't seem to be involved with the greys, but we're not sure we'd trust you near our children/ livestock/Bacofoil.
Mostly Cs -- You are definitely an abduction victim, and you had better keep wearing the turkey foil from question 3 indefinitely.
Mostly Ds -- You are an alien grey. Plokta's really a very unimportant fanzine, you know. You want that Langford chap who keeps winning all the Hugos.

--Mike Scott

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