Issue 15
Volume 4 Number 3
August 1999

In This Issue

 • Contents
 • Cover Illustration
 • Editorial
 • Stranger in a Strange Land
 • I Cuss, You Cuss, We All Cuss...
 • Dr Plokta and His Infeasibly Large Herpes
 • The P-Plan Diet
 • Lokta Plokta
 • Scenes From an Eclipse

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The P-Plan Diet

The Plokta Cabal are often asked how we can eat so much while retaining our beerglass figures. The secret is the P-Plan diet, which we can now share with you.

After a few weeks of normal eating, unhealthy substances such as fruit, vegetables and vitamins can build up in the system. The solution is a rigorous three-day toxifying diet.

There are several cardinal rules to remember and with these basics in mind the P-Plan diet will work for you too.

  1. Calories Don't Count. Calories don't count if you are standing up. Or lying down. Remember that calories in liquid form are negligible, as they're mostly water. Be careful not to drink water without alcohol in it. Alcohol-free water causes thousands of deaths every year.
  2. Anything knocked down to half price in Waitrose is calorie free, especially sushi. Which we all know is very healthy in large quantities. Very expensive food, such as champagne, caviar and paté de fois gras de canard is calorie free.
  3. No green vegetables (unless fried). Green is the colour of mould and should be avoided at all costs.

It's important to approach the P-Plan diet with a positive attitude. It's not all hard work and feeling deprived. For example, while following the P-Plan diet, you may eat the following foods freely: Beer, chocolate (especially chocolate fondue), tortilla chips, red meat, white meat, brown meat, poultry, game, sausages, pasta, olive oil, butter.

You should also drink extensively as it's especially important when dieting not to let your body dehydrate. Suitable drinks include all of them. Except water (see above) and diet soft drinks (these contain aspartame, which is bad for you).

Never leave the table until you've cleaned your plate, your neighbour's plate, the serving spoon, the serving dish and the tablecloth.

Eating between meals is not recommended, as there shouldn't be any time between meals. If you do find yourself with an odd half hour between lunch and dinner, try keeping your blood sugar up by snacking on healthy, low calorie foods such as crisps, peanuts and deep-fried Mars bars.

Exercise Plan

We have devised an exercise programme that can be integrated into the P-Plan Diet. An exercise video is available, but we suggest that it should be viewed on a wide-screen TV.

  • The pint-glass lift -- no wimping out with half-pint glasses.
  • The three-fingered reset -- Ctrl-Alt-Del your way to fitness.
  • The Waitrose walk -- up the aisle, down the aisle, repeat until the trolley is full.
  • Rotating the spatula in the frying pan will keep your wrists supple.
  • The ice-cream run -- see if you can get to the van before Greensleeves finishes.

Photo of food
Freely allowable foods on the P-Plan diet

Readers' Questions

As long as I keep my cherry tomato intake under control, does it matter how many calories I eat? (Sue Mason)

Don't overdo those vitamins. Have you considered deep-frying them? After all, many unhealthy foods can be converted to the P-Plan diet by the judicious addition of olive oil, double cream and or butter.

I eat lunch with my colleagues in the staff canteen where there is a lot of social pressure to get just a salad. How can this fit in with the P-Plan diet? (Giulia de Cesare)

Salads are mostly empty in terms of calorific and nutritional values. Keep a little bag of croutons to sprinkle on top -- we suggest crispy fried bacon lardons or toasted pine nuts.

Helpful Hints
  • Slathering everything with mayonnaise will help your food to stick to the fork.
  • Butter is better for frying.
  • Don't waste money on pathetic little devices like truffle shavers. Just add it (both sorts) in great chunks.
  • Drink more beer. You know it makes sense.

Put things into perspective: think about all the pictures of historical characters you ever saw. Thin meant poverty and deprivation. Big was good. So -- what would you rather trust? Thousands of years of recorded history or a mere seventy-year fad?

With the P-Plan diet, you don't have to cook separate meals for other members of the family. The P-Plan diet is suitable for all ages and species, and Marianne and George are thriving on it.

--The Cabal

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Hogwarts and All

If anyone out there knows an Al Dumbledore, we recently acquired something that may be of interest to him. George brought in a frog clutching an Ofsted briefcase containing a report. We excerpt a few quotes below.

"Complete non-compliance with the requirements of the National Curriculum."

"Practical lessons were lively and well-attended, however serious doubt exists about the school's commitment to health and safety. Experiments with likely adverse effects (such as, for instance, the metamorphosis of visitors to the classroom into amphibians) should be performed only by the teacher and inside a fume cupboard."

Illo of inspector turning into frog

"The severe dangers posed by the game of Quidditch are such as to render it essential to ban it forthwith."

"We are concerned by the high turnover of staff the school has experienced recently, especially in teachers of the dark arts."

"The archaic tradition of placing children in houses, apparently on the whim of a singing hat, could cause appalling damage to the immature psyche and must cease forthwith. Similarly, the award of house points goes against all modern educational practice and must be replaced by a system in which all pupils share equally."

We imagine Headmaster Dumbledore will be happy to send us the few thousand galleons needed to persuade us not to send copies to the press by the first available owl.